I had the biggest crush on Luke Skywalker when I was a little girl. He was everything I thought a hero should be: young, handsome, brave, and caring. He was one of the good guys, which was something very important to me. It wasn’t Luke’s fault that his father was one of the biggest villains in history. That is the card he was dealt, and he handled it with strength and resolve. As long as Luke was around, the Dark Side would be defeated. Sigh. Swoon. Faint. I loved him.
Now, let’s cut to several decades later. Older me has just one question for little Nerdylicious Diva: What were you thinking?
I’m no longer crushing on Luke Skywalker because I want his dad. Yes, I’d totally marry Darth Vader. Ooo, there’s something about a tall cyborg man in a cape, boots, and a black, quilted jumpsuit that drives me insane. Yes, I’m very aware that Vader’s face is not aesthetically pleasing to the eye after the incident. But, that mask is sex-ay. I want to hear him breathing beside me every night before I fall asleep. And, don’t get me started on his red lightsaber. Red is the color of love, passion, and Mustafar lava. It’s the color our marriage would be, sizzling and hot. Then of course, there are the many perks that go along with being Mrs. Anakin Skywalker. I’m happy to share them with you below.
No more waiting in line for anything ever
Can you imagine walking into Starbucks, going right up to the counter past the line, and ordering your favorite beverage any time of the day? I can. Or how about sauntering into the DMV, and making a beeline to a disgruntled employee without having to pull a number? [Please note that this disgruntled employee will instantly become cheery once she realizes who I am.] Just imagining this wonderful privilege fills me with such joy. I’m impatient. I hate waiting in line. Being Mrs. Vader would eliminate those types of problems. I’m a nice person, but if you think I wouldn’t abuse this privilege, you’re wrong. Mama needs her caramel breve latte, like, now.
Finally getting that fancy flying car
I carry a lot of guilt with my road rage. Okay, maybe it’s more like half-guilt because the majority of the people I rant at kinda deserve it. I don’t want to be a bitch on wheels, but people’s poor driving skills bring that quality out of me. All this can be easily resolved with the flying car promised to me by one science fiction film. Please don’t judge me based on my feelings of entitlement. It’s just that Back to the Future 2 promised me flying cars in 2015, and I expected them to adhere to this contractual fandom agreement. But they failed. My boo Vader can succeed where Doc et al fell short with a beautiful, soaring DeLorean. Or, something like that. Hey, I get to zip around the skies of wherever I go without shaking my fist (or middle finger) at fellow drivers. It’s a win-win situation. Well, the only losers in this would be birds. But they’ll learn. #AvertVaderBabe
Travelling on the company’s dime
I love to travel. I’ve had the opportunity to live in some extremely cool places as a military member like Japan, Hawaii, and Iceland. It’s something in my blood that I can’t get rid of. But travelling can be expensive. And slow. This won’t be an issue if Darth Vader is my husband. He has access to a wide range of spaceships and aircraft that will get me to where I want to go in no time. I can go to galaxies far, far away without spending a dime of our disposable income. I don’t have to limit myself to places like Paris, Turks and Caicos, Rio de Janeiro, or Sydney. I can go to Naboo. I can go to Endor. I can go to Coruscant. The galaxy is the limit. And, I’d know Big Ani could get me there on the Empire’s tab with a verbal command, a trusty spaceship, and possibly a Forceful chokehold. .
Having the best sex in the universe
So, you know how Anakin Skywalker was left to die limbless and badly burned on Mustafar by Obi-Wan Kenobi? Well, I imagine that an important “bit” was probably damaged during that ordeal. And, that this important bit was replaced with a bigger and better part on the new and improved Anakin Skywalker. Maybe the new bit pulsates. Maybe it vibrates. Maybe it spins. Maybe it does all of the above plus some extra tricks that I know nothing about because I’m an innocent flower. 😉 But use your imaginations. Dig deep. Yeah, you’re feeling me now, aren’t you. They’ll be no issues of, “It’s over already?” It’ll be more like, “I need a glass of red kool-aid, a ham sammich, and a nap.” And I don’t even drink kool-laid.
Rearranging everything is a breeze
How often have you looked at your home and become obsessed with changing things around? Guilty! Unfortunately, these desires have often been complicated with the fact that I had no manly muscles around to move objects. Ah, single gal problems. Well, this problem would be a thing of the past with Darth Vader as my husband. The Force is strong with that one, baby. And, he is going to be a furniture moving mofo around the house relocating armoires, sofas, beds, desks, and droids. Need a tree uprooted, or a fence expanded? Sith Boo can do it. The starry skies are the limit. Towing the flying DeLorean to the dealership? He got that. Of course, there should be some Stormtrooper minions to do all this, but if Darth hubby is in town, he might want to flex for wifey and show how useful he is. I’ll take that.
Well, I know some of you are still pretty biased against Darth Vader. And, there’s nothing I could say to convince you that he’d be a worthy spouse. Which means I can have him all to myself. Despite his behavior and flaws, he’s not a bad dude to marry. In the end, he’s a good guy, redeeming himself when he saves his son, my former crush Luke Skywalker. There is still some good left in Anakin. But oh child, there’s so much bad. Mama likes this.
Are you for or against a Darth Vader marriage? Chime in and let me know what you think.